I am in Nepal! So surreal. I’m here by myself to celebrate my fortieth birthday, which will be here in a short two months. I got a new job that starts later this month, so I decided on a last minute trip before then. So grateful!
The girls are finishing up school and Sam agreed to watch them. In fact, I was kind of waffling and he told me that I should do it because I’d regret it later if I didn’t.
It took two connections and over a day to travel here. That’s a lot of thinking time… my mind wanders frequently to my broken marriage, but I say a short relinquishing prayer and push the thoughts away.
I feel a bit more at peace these days, but I still feel anxious often. I fear that the rug will be pulled out from under me at any second, as it was last fall with Sam’s relapse.
To recap, he relapsed during the end of last summer and I confronted him with the hookers and drinking in early October. It triggered much of my old trauma and anxiety. From then on, I was commuting over an hour away to work and had the kids five days a week (usually M-F). My chronic nerve pain began in November. I was laid off in January. Then we let the nanny go and I was watching the three kids more or less full time.
And yet… God began to call me back to Him slowly. It began with a sermon series at my church called “Growth Through Adversity.” My daily prayers became, “Father, I leave my marriage up to you. I leave my job up to you. I leave my children up to you.” Prayers of gratitude filled my mind and my worries became a little less cumbersome. They were still there all the time, but I wasn’t as burdened. Sounds hokey, no?
Anyway, I take it day by day. At God’s pace. I don’t have a choice.
I feel the the unknown is less scary because that’s all I’ve known now for many years. I still hate it though. I hope for a day soon when I will feel security and safety and stability. I don’t think Sam can ever provide that and it makes me sad.
I’ve come at this a hundred ways. If that kind of profound change is even remotely possible, it is through God’s will. I think that’s Step 2 of the Twelve Steps for good reason.
Sam does not hear God. He remains so self-centered still. He has no moral compass – no inner resolve. He is too eager to give reasons and address his own wants and needs, instead of truly fixing what he has broken by prioritizing our family’s needs. He has no integrity so he remains untrustworthy. Even in his earnest recovery efforts, he thinks he can do it without God.
I wish Sam were a better/wiser man, but he will never change. He does not cling to the one thing that can help him. He cannot help himself and I cannot help him.
I’m not sure what the next two weeks have in store for me. It makes me nervous and excited and mostly thankful.