How to give an apology that counts

1. Say what you did. No omission. No lies.
2. Acknowledge out loud the impact it had on everyone else.
3. Say you’re sorry. Don’t make excuses or try to explain. Be sincere.
4. Maintain humility and watch your tone. Leave your ego at the door.
5. Don’t try to isolate which things you take credit for and which things aren’t really your fault. Own it all.
6. Make amends. Ask what you can do to make things better.
7. Stop acting entitled. Nobody owes you anything — least of all, forgiveness. That’s a gift.
8. Don’t fucking do it again.

 

Thoughts on “Rethinking Infidelity”

There is a provocative TED talk entitled, “Rethinking infidelity … a talk for anyone who has ever loved.” Having been a practicing therapist for decades (and a child to two Holocaust survivors), Esther Perel presents many interesting takeaways, including

• Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today, it’s one person at a time.
• Marriage used to be an economic enterprise so we used to turn to affairs to find love. Now that we look to marriage for love, adultery destroys it.
• If divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame.
• Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. It is a violation of trust and identity. Infidelity is traumatic. Other forms of betrayal in a relationship include contempt, neglect, indifference… sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. I guess this means I was wrong about Sam – he doesn’t half ass everything. 
• Healing begins when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing.
• In the aftermath, the perpetrator should hold vigil for the relationship — in other words, become the protector of the boundaries so that the victim can be free not to obsess.
• The victim should do things that nurture self worth, such as surround him/herself with loved ones and activities that give back meaning and joy and identity. Also, he/she should curb the curiosity for details.
• In this day and age, a person will have several significant relationships in a lifetime and some of us are going to do it with the same person. “Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?”

According to this woman, Sam and I could have revived our marriage after the infidelities. BUT, so many things needed to have happened that are so completely outside the realm of Sam’s abilities that it is like saying, “Yes, you can win the lotto. Just buy all the tickets!”

Thoughts?? 

To forgive or not to forgive

I think I hate Sam. I didn’t want to admit it, but I think I do. I wish him ill. I can’t say that I’m apathetic (not yet). I can find very few redeemable characteristics in him.

Is it possible to move forward without forgiving?

I cannot talk to Sam without being mean. I just have too much anger inside me. I am most upset about the injustice of it all. Yes, I am in control of how I live my life, but I didn’t have a choice in how I was betrayed or abandoned — I only have a choice in how I respond. One can argue that I chose a loser like Sam, however unconscious. Bottom line is, I’m stuck in a shitty position because of a selfish, lazy, integrity-lacking, amoral bum.

I want so much to forgive, but why is that? Is it really because it makes me feel better? Do I feel sorry because I believe he is incapable of changing? Is it the Christian thing to do?

I read an interesting article the other day (http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2014/08/brain-matters-morality). It basically says that there is brain chemistry involved with moral decisions and that certain sociopaths lack the forethought to connect consequences and action.

Add to that the impact that porn has on the brain. I’m biting this from a post on how porn rewires the brain (http://theresurgence.com/2011/11/19/7-negative-effects-of-porn):

Struthers elaborates,

As men fall deeper into the mental habit of fixating on [pornographic images], the exposure to them creates neural pathways. Like a path is created in the woods with each successive hiker, so do the neural paths set the course for the next time an erotic image is viewed. Over time these neural paths become wider as they are repeatedly traveled with each exposure to pornography. They become the automatic pathway through which interactions with woman are routed….They have unknowingly created a neurological circuit that imprisons their ability to see women rightly as created in God’s image (Wired For Intimacy, 85).

In a similar vein regarding porn’s effect upon the brain, Naomi Wolf writes in her article, “The Porn Myth,”

After all, pornography works in the most basic of ways on the brain: It is Pavlovian. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on; if you open your focus to an endless stream of ever-more-transgressive images of cybersex slaves, that is what it will take to turn you on. The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros but dilutes it.

Top all of this off with whatever baggage you carry from your childhood to predispose oneself to addiction, intimacy anorexia, etc… Well, that’s the very fine fellow that I married.

I’m not ready to forgive, yet I choose to move on. Maybe it will come later.

You can’t unsee what you see

Here are some exchanges that Sam had with the prostitutes he booked. They are from the time I found out in 2007, right after I had given birth to our second child (in March). He even had his parents (whom I abhor) come to stay with me so that he could go fuck more whores. You can see the review service he used below too. Talk about sex trafficking… They basically have these hookers on a tour from one metro to the next and bill it like this, “Taylor is only in San Francisco for 3 days! Don’t miss this opportunity!” On the profile pages, men rate whether the slut is worth the $600+ per visit, how her pubic region is/isn’t trimmed, etc. This isn’t all of them either. There are several that he scheduled just a few blocks away from work to visit during his lunch break. I still can’t drive near the Ritz Carlton without my stomach flying up to my throat.

I’ve since told several friends about the prostitutes. I feel better that it isn’t such a burdensome secret anymore. I’m not telling everyone, but I am telling the people I need to in order to get the support that I need. Every single one of them cannot believe what I put up with. Most people are disgusted. I am too.

___________________________________________________________

Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2007 22:31:46 -0700 (PDT)
From: XXX
To: Silvia@elitecanadian.com

Hello –
I’m interested in booking Sylvia in San Jose. Could you let me know available times? I’m interested in Friday early afternoon. Number is 415-317-XXXX or email please. Thanks

Date: Tue, 7 Aug 2007 00:44:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: XXX
To: exotic.nina@yahoo.com

Hello Nina –
Hope you’re doing well. I contacted you a couple of months ago but had scheduled an appointment but we were unable to meet up due to a cell phone snafu (I believe you had to change your number the morning of our appointment).

Unfortunately, I lost the new number you gave me. I would love to try to reschedule a time with you. Can you please let me know what dates / times work for you?

My cell is 415-317-XXXX. Look forward to talking with you again soon.

XXX

From: “Elle Allure” <elleallure@netzero.net>
Date: Wed, 13 Jun 2007 16:03:53 GMT
To: XXX
Subject: Re: Elle Allure Email

Hello XXX
How are you? Do you have a particular time frame that you would like to meet? Also, please let me know what type of meeting that you are most interested in. I look forward to seeing you on the 11th.
Elle

http://www.elleallure.com

Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2007 15:19:22 UT
Subject: Email Confirmation for Subscription 0107163201000023065
To: XXX
From: support@ccbill.com

Dear XXX,

Thank you for your subscription to The Erotic Review.

Your subscription number is: 0107163201000023065.

To cancel your subscription please use this link: http://www.theeroticreview.com/info_policies/fbForm.asp?FBType=5

Thank you for your support!

Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2007 21:28:49 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sofia <sofia_morelli@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re:
To: XXX

Yes I’ll be there tomorrow at 8:00 PM.  See you then!

xoxo
Sofia

XXX wrote:
Sofia –
Look forward to seeing you on Tuesday … just stopped by home to pack my bags for my flight to RDU tonight. Just to confirm, I will see you 8PM on Tuesday at the Umstead? I believe that’s what we agreed on correct me if I’m mistaken.

Again, thanks and look forward to meeting you. My cell is XXX if you need to reach me!

XXX

Sofia <sofia_morelli@yahoo.com> wrote:
I still haven’t heard back from her.  I could verify you through your employer though.  Who should I say is calling when I try to reach you at work hon?  I hope to meet you, have a lovely day.

xoxo
Sofia

XXX wrote:
Sofia –
I emailed her and left her a vmail … I hope she reaches you soon. Understood if we can’t meet up but please let me know if you haven’t heard from her by morning.

Thank you.

Sofia <sofia_morelli@yahoo.com> wrote:
Hey Hon,

Would you please ask Giselle to write back to me as I’ve got someone else interested in the meeting on the 12th as well and I haven’t heard back from her?  Thanks.

xoxo
Sofia

XXX wrote:
Sofia –
I have emailed Giselle for a reference. Please let me know if she fails to contact you. Hopefully it works out. I look foward to seeing you on Tuesday!

XXX

Sofia <sofia_morelli@yahoo.com> wrote:
Hi Hon,

Yes I could still meet on Tuesday, June 12th provided I hear from your provider in time.  Would you please contact her and ask her to email me in order to speed up the process? Thanks.  How long did you have in mind hon?  I look forward to meeting you.  Hope you have a lovely day!

Hugs,
Sofia

XXX wrote:
Sofia –
My plans changed and i will be in Raleigh for the entire day of the 12th now! Can we still find a time to get together (preferrably late afternoon but early evening is fine as well)? Sorry about the confusion. I will still be staying at the Umstead.

As you requested, the link to my previous provider’s website is:
http://classifieds.myredbook.com/classified.php?adid=55852
http://www.myspace.com/2totango2tomove

Reviews for this provider can be found at Redbook at:
http://www.myredbook.com/showpro.aspx?id=10879

As for a photo of me, I have attached a recent picture. It was with friends and relatives from my 36th birthday party in February. I’m the second from the left. That’s the last time I had pictures taken. Hope this helps.

XXX

XXX wrote:
the 12th doesnt work any more. thanks … hopefully next time

Sofia <sofia_morelli@yahoo.com> wrote:
Hi Hon,

Would you please send me a direct link to your provider’s website and reviews and your recent, clear pictures.  Please bear in mind my schedule ties up very quickly therefore I require more notice esp. if you haven’t been pre-screened.  I don’t have anything available on Monday, June 11th but I could meet you the afternoon or early evening of Tuesday, June 12th provided everything checks out.  I look forward to hearing back from you and setting a date.  Have a lovely day.

Hugs,
Sofia

XXX wrote:
Thanks Sofia –
The screening information is in the original email below. Hope we can meet next week!
XXX

——–
Name is XXX
I live in San Francisco
Work is Bank of America (www.bofasecurites.com)
Work phone number is 415-627-XXXX
I am of Asian descent (born and raised in the US); 5’9 and 160lb; 35 years old
In terms of references, I only have one … I saw Giselle (415-225-8448) about a week ago, who was my first visit to a provider.

I am staying at the Umstead in Cary (address available from site http://www.theumstead.com) and interested in an outcall visit

Please call my cell (415-317-XXXX) if you have availability that evening. Preferrably 9pm or so as I won’t be landing until 8pm.

Sofia <sofia_morelli@yahoo.com> wrote:
Hello Sweetheart,

Thanks for your interest.  I’m so glad you decided to meet me. Please send me your screening info before hand in order to avoid any last minute mishaps, thanks.

Screening Requirements:

Your first and last name(s).
City you reside.
Company website/phone number (not a direct line please).
A detailed physical description and/or recent, clear pictures.
At least two recent, independent provider references with links to their websites and reviews dating at least 6 months. Please contact your providers to let them know I will be in touch.

Discretion is a high priority as I have to protect my security as well as that of other high profile friends who visit me; rest assured the info you provide will not be shared with anyone else and is treated with the utmost respect and discretion. I do all my screening via email only therefore I cannot call or give you my number just yet,  I appreciate your understanding.

Please try to give as much notice to ensure my availability. Don’t forget screening can take a while, however if you send me everything I require a.s.a.p we can arrange a meeting sooner, so what are you waiting for hon?  Hurry!  Once everything checks out we can set a date.

Remember weekends are particularly hard to get a hold of me but nothing is impossible, where there is a will there is a way!

I enjoy including girlfriends as well so if you wish to spice up the date please make sure to give us enough notice and we’ll be sure to provide a double delight!   (2-hour minimum).

If you’re a couple please make sure you send your partner’s screening info as well.  I wouldn’t want to surprise her so please discuss our date before hand in order to avoid any discomfort.

Since you are a new friend do allow yourself enough time to relax; I highly recommend the two hour date but if you are pressed for time I also have a 90 minute introductory date available.  Remember getting acquainted takes some time and a rushed session won’t do either of us justice therefore I don’t enjoy meeting anyone for shorter dates. Keeping that in mind, couples meet for a minimum of 2 hours to enjoy the full benefits of a relaxed day at the spa like treatment with lots of fun filled action. The possibilities are blissfully endless!

If you feel my rates are not compatible with what you are seeking I advise you to look further as there are many ladies available who may be able to assist you within your means.  My rates and time are non-negotiable.  Once again thanks for your understanding.

Please make sure you always include your full name in the subject line above and don’t forget to attach our previous correspondence in your emails, it is very important you do so exactly in order to ensure your email is not lost in the bulk mail folder.

Reservations:

My place:

90 minutes intro $450 ~ If you’re pressed for time and need a quick picker upper.

2 hours delight $600 ~ For a more relaxed time.

3 plus hours of endless bliss $200 for each additional hour ~ Includes dinner, dancing or double delight with your girlfriend(s) or mine!

Your Place: (Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill and surrounding areas)

2 hours delight $650 ~ For a more relaxed time.

3 plus hours of endless bliss $200 for each additional hour ~ Includes dinner, dancing or double delight with your girlfriend(s) or mine!

Couples only pay an additional $100 to above rates. (2-hours minimum for couples or two girl delight).

Ettiquette:

Please place your donation in a plain, unsealed/unmarked envelope in clear view either in the bathroom or on top of the dresser at the onset of our meeting. Please do not make me ask for the donation as business and pleasure can be a potent combo and I wouldn’t want to kill the magic of the moment.  Make sure you have a picture ID and please produce it when we meet, thank you.

Please refrain from using vulgar, rude, or explicit language, or asking questions of such nature. Honoring these requests will ensure a prompt reply. I respond to all serious and gentlemanly inquiries only.

I look forward to meeting you soon!

Warm Hugs,
Sofia

Bianca Ren <heybianca@gmail.com> wrote:
Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2007 18:05:57 -0400
From: “Bianca Ren” <heybianca@gmail.com>
To: XXX
Subject: Re:

XXX

Unfortunately I’ve just been given information that affects our getting together tomorrow evening. I’m participating in a medical study, and I’ve been instructed not to, ahem, provide anyone with any GFEs. I’m still available for dinner and “dessert,” perhaps more along the lines of sensual massage if you’re interested. If you’re not, I understand, and I hope I’ve left you enough time to make other arrangements.

Let me know, and I apologize again!

Bianca
On 6/11/07, Bianca Ren <heybianca@gmail.com> wrote:
XXX

It was wonderful to talk to you. To be doubly sure you have a way to contact me (and to be sure I relayed it to you correctly), here is my number again: (919) 923 8372.

Should I plan on meeting you in the lobby of the Umstead or will you contact me with your room number?

Thanks,

Bianca

On 6/11/07, Bianca Ren <heybianca@gmail.com > wrote:
XXX

Sounds great! I will give you a call on Monday. Talk to you then!

Bianca

p.s. Dinner sounds great! I’m sure it’s nothing short of amazing!

On 6/11/07, XXX wrote:

Tuesday evening is PERFECT! I won’t be arriving in Raleigh until Tuesday morning … I would love to chat with you for 5 minutes on Monday to finalize plans. I have some other business meetings on Tuesday but need some lead time to arrange those so they won’t conflict with our meeting (which obviously has higher priority). Please call me at 415-317-XXXX.

I look forward to seeing you on Tuesday. I’ve never eaten at the Umstead but perhaps we can order some room service and try it dinner?

Talk to you soon

XXX

Bianca Ren <heybianca@gmail.com> wrote:
XXX

Actually, I’m not available on Monday evening. I am, however, available Tuesday evening. If that works for you, I’m happy to give you a call, though it won’t be until Monday night or, perhaps, Tuesday morning.

Let me know if that suits you!

Bianca
On 6/10/07, XXX wrote:
I appreciate your candor. I don’t think it will be a problem on my part. Would still love to see you on Tuesday. Perhaps tomorrow, could you give me a call on my cell (415-317-XXXX) and we can talk about other arrangements?

Thanks and look forward to seeing you soon

XXX

Bianca Ren <heybianca@gmail.com> wrote:
XXX

Thank you for the email and for your interest in my services. I’ve been wanting to check out the Umstead; I’ve heard good things. However, while I would love to entertain you Tuesday evening, I’m going in for electrolysis on my bikini area on Tuesday morning. Theoretically I’m not unavailable to you, but the area is likely to be red and, well, just not as attractive as it normally would be.

I suppose I’ll leave it up to you: if you’d still like to get together on Tuesday evening, I’m happy to discuss details with you. However, I’ll understand if you pass.

In any case, thank you again for contacting me. I look forward to hearing back from you!

Best,

Bianca
On 6/10/07, XXX wrote:

Hello Bianca –
Sorry for the late notice, but I’m going to be in RTP for business on Tuesday and wanted to see if we could get together. I’m staying at the Umstead resort in Cary ( http://www.theumstead.com) but could arrange to meet you in Chapel Hill if necessary. I’m available in the afternoon or evening … whatever works best for you. If you come to my hotel, I’d like to arrange at least 2 hours.

Please let me know your availability and if you need any additional information. You can reach me at 415-317-XXXX if you’d like to talk in person.

Thanks and hope to talk to you soon!

XXX

>
> — Yoko Dallas <yokodallas@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > From: “Yoko Dallas” <yokodallas@gmail.com>
> > To: XXX
> > Subject: Re: Booking Request For Yoko
> > Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2007 13:03:55 -0500
> >
> > i would love to see u. i am available wed night at
> > 830p. let me know if is ok, or if u prefer
> different
> > time
> >
> > yoko
> >  —– Original Message —–
> >  From: XXX
> >  To: yokodallas@gmail.com
> >  Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2007 2:33 AM
> >  Subject: Booking Request For Yoko
> >
> >
> >  Below is the result of a Booking Request.  It
> was
> > submitted by
> >  XXX on Tuesday, March 27,
> > 2007 at 03:33:28
> >
—————————————————————————
> >
> >  To2: yokodallas@gmail.com
> >
> >  FullName: XXX
> >
> >  City: San Francisco
> >
> >  State: CA
> >
> >  ContactPhone: 415 317 XXXX
> >
> >  Employer: Bank of America
> >
> >  WorkPhone: 415 627 XXXX
> >
> >  Message: Unfortunately I don’t have any
> references
> > … however, please call my office number to
> confirm
> > who i am (please be discrete). Let me know if this
> > is a difficulty.

> >
> >  I will be in town on Wednesday night. Please let
> > me know if you are available. Thanks!

Let your will be done

The girls and I were having a really lovely Friday evening. We were making a mess around the house and ordered Thai delivery. So, I think, hey, this is a nice time to invite Sam. My thinking around inviting him was simply to create a positive environment for the girls and just have a good time. Nothing more. It’s been all ugly for so long, it would be great for the girls to just have a stress free evening with both parents. They were pretty apprehensive about the whole thing and kept looking to me so I tried to keep it light.

After last night’s conversation, I am still intent on moving on, but we need to change our dynamic for the girls. For me, moving forward with real love and forgiveness and positivity looks a lot like how our family used to be, except without the commitment between us. The only way to shed myself of the negativity and resentment I feel is to forgive Sam. The super difficult thing about forgiveness is that you have to keep doing it. It’s hard enough to do it once when Sam continues to treat me so disrespectfully, but it’s daunting to think that one only succeeds if one does it over and over again. I’ve heard it does get easier.

I’ve also taken inspiration from the recently departed Nelson Mandela. He lived 95 years, with 27 of those years behind bars. Then, he rose to the highest station in his country and did not use that opportunity to exact revenge on those who put him in jail. Instead, he sought to enlighten and improve the lives of others. So, I took a step towards making forgiveness real and invited Sam to dinner and family time. Sounds like a good plan, right?

It went down like this. I called and began with an apology for making him talk beyond his comfort point last night. He said ominously that he had an email that he wanted to send later. He “apologized” for not having the stamina to keep up with the conversation. When I sensed the animosity, I should have stopped there, but I pushed on cheerfully to invite him to eat dinner with us.

Sam said that he was making green beans. So, I said he should bring them. He said okay but didn’t show up for another thirty minutes (he lives three minutes away) during which time the girls finished their dinner and waited impatiently. There goes family dinner time.

Finally, he walks into my home and starts playing with the girls immediately. I’m right in front of him in the dining room, cleaning up and the bastard doesn’t even have the decency to come say hello and thank me for inviting him. WTF? I know he was raised in West Virginia, but come on, isn’t that rude even there? So a few minutes later, I’m fuming and my oldest daughter goes and tells her father and he comes by to “apologize.”

It was my mistake for not thinking this through. I just went with it. I’m learning that coming from a positive place alone is not enough. Lesson duly noted. Anyway, Sam was already here and I was upset so I removed myself from the situation and told them to enjoy the time.

I guess it’s too early to create good times with Sam right now because I’m not in a place where I can disregard his disregard for me. I am still hurt by his refusal to acknowledge me and treat me with respect. I am also infuriated by his delusional justifications for doing whatever he wants to do. If I didn’t care as much, I wouldn’t react so viciously and we’d probably have a less contentious relationship. The takeaway here is, I can’t rush to reestablish good relations with him until I stop caring about what he says, does or thinks. I truly want that. I intend to actively work on getting there. Until then, I need to stay away from Sam and let the pleasant moments pass without him.

All day today, I felt much better; almost kind of… hopeful? Still stressed and anxious, but I felt better about moving forward alone and not looking back. Nothing has changed in the last twenty hours except my perception.

During the last few days, I had been praying to God, “Lord, let your will be done. Whatever it is that you want, please put that same desire in Sam’s heart and mine.” Sometimes, when we don’t listen to what God is saying, he takes the control out of our hands and forces us down the right path. In this case, I believe that my type A, control freak butt has been deliberately placed in the passenger seat because I was either incapable of hearing God or not strong enough to do his will.

As for tonight, I took a few minutes to myself and then forgave his small transgression. I had to really talk myself into it. When I went downstairs to rejoin the games, I had to fake it until I made it. As little as it seems, I’m excited to be making this positive change. I need to stop letting Sam’s immaturity, disrespect and selfishness rile me up. He is incapable of giving and receiving love. He is not a malicious person that hurts me on purpose. If I can forgive 20+ hookers and thirteen years of emotional abuse, I can forgive bad manners. Right? Right! This is for me. Forgiveness of Sam is a gift to myself.