It’s common for addicts to lie and gaslight to cover their tracks, contributing to the trauma and emotional abuse that a partner experiences. In those instances, most addicts know that what they’re saying is dishonest. There are many times, though, that Sam completely rewrites history and seems to believe his own BS. He is so earnest and seems genuinely surprised when I point out inconsistencies.
For example, we were talking about masturbation in sex addiction recovery. I told him that it made me feel rejected and unwanted that he would rather masturbate than have sex with me. Then, he says that he didn’t masturbate when he was at home in recovery with me. I was like, “WHAAAAA?” He didn’t remember the almost weekly/bi-weekly instances in which he’d tell me (with a sheepish, somewhat apologetic look), “Sorry, I can’t. I just took care of myself in the shower” or “I had a wet dream last night” or “It’s been awhile and my balls hurt so I had to clear the pipes.” Then, I’d be all embarrassed and apologizing, “It’s okay, no worries.” This happened so many times and he doesn’t seem to remember???
Another example… During our conversation with our mediator, we were debating the language in our Parenting Agreement that prohibits Seihun from contacting/arranging/exploring paid sex services when the kids are around him. He flat out denied that he had contacted sex providers while the girls were around. I had to remind him that I had the mobile phone that he purchased just for the purpose of calling hookers and it had a phone log of when he made the calls. Cross-referenced with our calendar, it was definitive that he was calling prostitutes with the kids around. Again, he seemed taken aback. Could he have really forgotten that he did that or did he just forget that I could prove it?
Today, we were working through our Marital Settlement Agreement AGAIN. It’s been over a year of this and it’s mainly because Sam keeps going back on things that we already agreed on. We have to constantly rehash the same stuff and have the same discussions over and over again. Sometimes, it’s “I think the mediator misunderstood” or “That’s not what I meant” or “I never agreed to that.” I told him that from now on, we should just record every conversation we have so that he can’t keep doing this. It’s so frustrating and makes him even more unbearable.
I am having a super tough day.
Being Hahn 